Five reasons I never wanted to take a cruise holiday

Sarah Pollok steps aboard Holland America Lines’ Oosterdam to see what big cruise holidays are really like. Photo / Supplied
OPINION
Cruise ship first-timer Sarah Pollok steps onto Holland America Lines’ Oosterdam to test out her five biggest hesitations.
When I step out of the taxi in Athens, Greece, and gaze upon the staggeringly large cruise ship Oosterdam, I have one roller suitcase and five concerns.
I am not a stranger to travelling on the high seas – I have thoroughly enjoyed trips on 100-person expedition ships around Fiji and the Galapagos. However, at 285m (or 23 school buses) long and 11 decks high, with room for about 2000 guests, Holland America Lines’ Oosterdam is one of the big boys, and I have reservations.
These aren’t based on personal experience but a vivid blend of speculation and stereotypes. I feel certain the eight-day Adriatic cruise will involve stunning scenery and days of adventure without wasting time in train stations or airports.
However, I also expect crowds (both on the ship and when trying to get off) and mediocre food, cities teeming with cruise tourists, and days stuck at sea with nothing to do.
Would a trip around Greece, Croatia, Montenegro, and Italy resolve my hesitations or solidify my cynical attitude? I step aboard to find out.
READ MORE: The beginner’s guide to Montenegro
Of all my reservations, this is the biggest. No one loves queuing, but it’s especially frustrating on holiday, especially when you have one day in a city.
I can’t recall where I collected the idea that disembarkation (getting off the ship) is a lengthy process, but it feels logical; 2000 people plus two exits equals a long line.
When we arrive at our first port, Dubrovnik, I urge my mother to wolf down her breakfast so we can beat the crowds surely waiting to disembark that morning. I’m equal parts confused and thrilled when we reach deck one and walk through the corridor, along the gangway, and onto land in about 45 seconds. A fluke, I think, until eight hours later when we return to the pier and stride straight onto the ship.
It takes a day to realise the reality; few guests leave the ship immediately after docking or stay in the port city as late as they can. Some prefer to sleep in or have a leisurely breakfast, and others have excursions booked for a specific time, meaning all guests rarely disembark or embark at the same time.
Take a seven-day cruise or longer, and you’ll inevitably encounter a sea day, when you don’t depart the ship but float along in the middle of the ocean, giving the vessel time to reach a faraway destination.
When it takes 27 hours to fly to a destination (and another 25 to fly back), you want every day of a seven-night cruise to count. For me, this means exploring ancient city walls and swimming in warm turquoise oceans, ambling through cobblestone streets, and admiring cliff-top monasteries. It does not mean spending an entire day on a cruise ship with 2000 other people.
“I could be out somewhere new exploring,” I think on the days leading up to the trip. “Instead, I’ll be stuck on the ship with nothing to do.” It’s a reasonable and popular assumption among cruise cynics, but one I soon realise is mistaken.
Standing under the blistering sun in Corfu’s Old Town, my mother sighs as the guide announces we’re free to explore the streets alone. “Thank God,” she says, not because Corfu isn’t ancient and beautiful but because it would be our fourth Old Town Tour in five days, and the worn stone streets and stories of this or that empire are steadily melting into one another. Sitting on a pool lounger with a book and an icy drink sounds heavenly.
It’s tempting to cram our itineraries with unique experiences to make a trip feel worthwhile. The reality is we can only enjoy so many days spent walking 30,000 steps in 30C heat, or ancient buildings and churches. It’s why the best long trips involve a mix of “travel” and “vacation”. A sea day, as I discover, is your moment to experience the latter.
Marooned in the Adriatic, I am freed from the (totally self-imposed, let’s be clear) pressure to wake early, disembark swiftly, and spend hours drinking in the city like water from a fire hydrant and properly rest.
Even if I hate the idea of sitting still for a day, Oosterdam has outside decks with a 1km perimeter, outdoor pickleball and basketball courts, a gym nicer than most you’ll find in a city, and no fewer than 10 activities every hour, from Pilates classes and line dancing lessons to painting tutorials or spa treatments.
I won’t repeat the expletive my 68-year-old mother used to describe the size of Oosterdam as we stand beneath the ship in Athens, but you can use your imagination. “I’m sorry, but there is no other way to describe it,” she pronounces. Holland America Lines opts for the more poetic “city on the sea,” but with a population of 3000 people, I assume the city would feel like Westfield on a rainy Saturday afternoon.
Are there crowds and queues? Absolutely. Head to the outdoor pools during the day, viewing decks during scenic cruises, and the bar almost any time, and you’ll find throngs of people and lively music. Meanwhile, peak mealtimes at the Lido Market involve a fair amount of prowling for free tables. However, I stumble upon dozens of places and times that are deliciously devoid of people or noise.
The early morning or evening on the outside decks is one such time. While most cruisers snooze or dine, I head to the decks wrapped around the front of the ship with a drink in hand to soak up the feeling of absolute solitude. Over the days, I learn the sun loungers on decks 10 and 3 are a quieter way to soak up the sun compared to pool-side, and you can almost always find air-conditioned quiet with great views at the Explorations Cafe, Library, and Pinnacle Bar.
Take one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world, add 2500 cruise ship visitors, possibly another few thousand from other visiting cruise ships, and what do you have? My idea of a nightmare travel experience. Crowded cities aren’t exclusive to cruise itineraries, but the set nature of a schedule and limitations regarding what cities a ship can dock at or near mean you can’t skip a busy city for a quieter destination… or can you?
The trick, I discover, lies in booking excursions that whisk you away from the city for the five or six hours you have to explore. Inspecting the itinerary, I know it is wise to go further afield in Dubrovnik (one of the most visited cities in Europe) and Kotor, a city starting to groan under the pressure of tourist numbers.
For the former, I do an Old Town walking tour first thing in the morning while the streets are somewhat empty, then map out an hour-long walk to a beach few visitors would bother visiting. Meanwhile, in Kotor, a Holland America Lines tour steers a small group of us away from the jam-packed Old Town and drives to the charming coastal village of Perast.
As someone who may not be a foodie but thrives on fresh, healthy meals, I am quietly hopeful the rumours of mediocre cruise food will be wrong. Thankfully, whether you’re a gastronome or just love a good feed, Oosterdam’s executive chef, Chef Thomas Schumann, and his team of 100 chefs have you covered.
Oosterdam boasts seven spots to dine, from pool-side hot dogs to exclusive silver-service restaurants, and that’s before counting the bars and cafes. Overwhelmed with choice, I eat most meals at the Lido Market, but it’s little help for those prone to decision fatigue; tallying the number of breakfast dishes at the buffet restaurant, I lose count after 100. There are waffles and pancakes, bacon, hash browns and cured salmon, miso soup, congee, sliced fruit, and eggs done at least six different ways. There are yoghurts and chia puddings, bircher, and dozens of pastries and breads made fresh in the ship’s bakery (yes, they have a bakery).
Of the 17 meals I eat on board, including fancier options such as the Morimoto pop-up menu at the Pinnacle Grill (designed by the cruise lines’ Global Fresh Fish Ambassador, Chef Masaharu Morimoto) or a buffet affair at Lido Market, all are fresh and tasty if not top-restaurant quality. The only major issue? Trying to resist having seconds (or thirds) at every meal.
DETAILS
For more information on Holland America cruises, see hollandamerica.com